"A Week at the Gym"
This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Myself included lol ,......
Dear Diary ...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the Dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called
the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce,
who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting
for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He
was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing
next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful
way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me!
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce
was impatient with me, insisting that my startled screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the Stair
Monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other BS too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me
to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine which I rowed to the exit right after stopping at my
purse for a snack.
Friday:
I hate that idiot Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!*@ barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school
you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me
off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my Planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband - the IDIOT- will choose a gift for me that is more in keeping
with my age and interests - like lunch or shopping or watching someone
beat the crap out of Bruce.
"